So often on our path to forgiveness we suffer from the intense desire to understand the “why” behind the behavior of the person who has hurt us. It’s obvious that we don’t agree that their behavior or actions were appropriate from our personal point of view. However, if we persist in trying to understand their actions from our personal point of view we won’t accomplish anything. They will remain forever wrong in our eyes. The only way to understand is to see from their personal point of view and that requires us let go of the ideals we hold so dearly to.
This is not an easy task for most of us, which is why we recommend that we do our best to get away from the story we are telling ourselves about what is right and what is wrong, and instead focus on the “what is.” In other words, understand that the person took that action because of what they believed in the moment and their actions were right for them at the level of consciousness they were functioning at. We are forgiving them because of their ignorance of the ultimate outcome of their actions and their ignorance of their divinity, not because of anything they specifically did or said.
Most people take actions that ultimately hurt others because of their own fear. Actions based on fear are selfish and do not take into consideration the welfare of others. We behave this way to protect ourselves when we feel attacked or frightened, so it should not surprise us when others behave the same way. If we cultivate our objectivity, we would find that it is only our ego that feels attacked, not our spiritual self. No one can attack the real us.
People can take harmful actions towards our body or mind, but those actions are out of fear and have to do with that person - not with us - even if those events are happening in reference to us. It is important to understand that whenever we operate out of fear – even the tiniest drop of fear – we are coming from ego, not from the heart. The outcome of such actions will never be fully wholesome and always have the capacity to be hurtful to others.
When we transcend our ego we can see objectively, and it becomes clear that the other person’s words and deeds, however harmful – are not personal. This understanding allows us to have emotional immunity to the actions of others and that is very powerful! Just look at all the times you took actions that were fear-based. Did you really mean to hurt someone else when you took those actions? Most of us do not mean to purposly hurt others. But let’s say you did feel vengeful and you did actually want to hurt someone. Didn’t you feel “done-to” by another which caused you want to “get even” with them? Were you not playing the victim in that moment, and isn’t victim hood the modus operandi of the ego?
You chosing to play the victim in that moment had nothing to do with the other person who supposedly hurt you. It had to do with you and you alone, and your self-centered actions were the sole expression of the fear of your ego mind. By acknowledging this it becomes easy to see the same behavior in others and forgive them for their ignorance – you see?
If we take another step forward in the evolution of our consciousness and ability to forgive, we come to realize that in the end it doesn’t matter what we understand about the “whys.” We come find that Sheri’s number one rule of life always holds true: People do what they are going to do and that isn’t what we always want, wish or hope for. This is the “what is.” If you can see what I am saying here then you will comprehend this Zen proverb on the deepest of levels: If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are.
The “what is” is the “what is,” and taking the “what is” personally and getting upset about it is a waste of our time and personal energy. Instead I encourage all of you to do your best to see “what is” and end your habit behavior of making dramatic stories about situations, end the desire to figure out the “why” from your personal point of view, let go of taking other’s actions personally, and give your overworked ego a vacation. Chose to forgive and be happy!
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Sheri Rosenthal DPM and Susyn Reeve M.Ed. are co-authors of WITH Forgiveness - Are You Ready? and co-creators of the WITH Forgiveness program at www.withforgivenessmovie.com. They both enjoy giving workshops, lectures and taking folks on spiritual journeys (you can see them at www.journeysofthespirit.com ), and being extremely happy! You can reach them at www.withforgiveness.com.
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