With Forgiveness: The Art of Forgiving, How to Forgive and be Forgiven

A Few Thoughts on Mother's Day ( 843 words)
by Susyn Reeve M.Ed.

This month is Mother’s Day and I am struck with the fact that since WITH Forgiveness was launched in September 2006 we have received countless letters from people distressed about their relationships with their mothers. These letters are filled with rage, anger and disappointment about how their mothers did or did not treat them. There are so many detailed examples of how their mothers have failed to meet their expectations along with pleas to Sheri and I to provide guidance for how they can forgive and free their hearts and minds from their suffering and pain they are experiencing. If we truly believe the Gandhi words, be the change you wish to see in the world, then this Mother’s Day is a perfect time to put those words into action in our relationships with our mothers.

The truth is we all have mothers; and whether or not we were raised by our birth mother, a mother who adopted us, or a step-mom, we have mother issues. Your mother may have been too smothering, distant or critical; she may have been unavailable due to illness, addiction or the need to work to support your family; she may have been physically and/or emotionally abusive; or her love may have been expressed in ways that did not meet your definition of love. There are a myriad of ways our mothers may have left us wanting for some ideal of that perfect mother.

Yet who does it truly serve to harbor anger and resentment toward our mothers? While we may realize that it doesn’t benefit us to hold onto old wounds and continue to be disappointed when our mother doesn’t live up to our expectations, we often don’t know how to free ourselves from the pattern of blame, hurt, disappointment and resentment that we feel. A starting point in forgiving our mothers is to acknowledge what is about our mothers;

They gave us the gift of life.
They are always doing their best, each and every moment based on their conscious and unconscious beliefs.
They may project on us their fears and dissatisfaction in their own lives.
Their judgments about us tell us more about their expectations for our lives than the truth about who we are.
They may be unaware of the power of their words and actions in our lives.
They often feel guilty and use our actions and words against themselves.

In other words they are very much like us, doing the best they can, often unaware of the impact of their words and actions and locked into patterns of thought and action that feed fear-based beliefs rather than nourish love.

Here is an example from my relationship with my mother: I had gone to visit my mother for her 89th birthday. I had armed myself before the visit with a mantra: My mom loves me, which I decided to use whenever I started to take my mother’s criticism abut my hair, weight, clothing or plans I had made personally. I had been quite successful using this mantra before during my visits. Whenever I felt defensive armor building up around me or on the verge of yelling at my mom, I repeated the mantra over and over and over again, until the words become alive within me.

About 60 minutes before I was ready to leave, my mom asked me to touch up some paint on a wall that she had bumped her walker into. I got out the paint, glad that I could help. My mother then stood over me directing my every brush stroke. I became frustrated, which for me was a familiar feeling – a pattern that had existed much of my life. My mom would ask me to do something for her, and while I’m doing my best to be helpful, she is there criticizing me every step of the way.

Just as I was on the verge of screaming: Do it yourself! – my mantra come into my mind. I turned and saw my mom standing above me with her hands grasped around her walker, unable to do this simple paint job. In that moment it occurred to me that this wasn’t about the brush strokes I was painting on the wall, it was about her difficulty in saying good-bye and her own frustration with her inability to do this task herself – just as my leap to be angry with her was a convenient veil for my sadness of saying good-bye and my old judgments about how my mom should behave around me. So I took a deep breath, and said: Thanks, Mom for the good directions you’re giving me.

Rather than engaging in a distancing pattern that we were both quite adept at, I had a new thought, I changed my point of view about the situation. When I left my mom that day it was with a wonderful and loving embrace. What are some new thoughts you can have about your mom? Are you ready to open your heart and mind to forgiveness?

You are welcome to reprint this article with the following information at the conclusion of the text:
Susyn Reeve M.Ed. and Sheri Rosenthal DPM are co-authors of WITH Forgiveness - Are You Ready? and co-creators of the WITH Forgiveness program at www.withforgivenessmovie.com. They both enjoy giving workshops, lectures and taking folks on spiritual journeys (you can see them at www.journeysofthespirit.com ), and being extremely happy! You can reach them at www.withforgiveness.com.