As Mother’s Day approaches, this holiday offers us yet another opportunity to let go of any anger and resentment we are still holding deep within us. Whenever we discuss forgiveness and the process of letting go, we must be clear about what it is we are letting go of. In this case, it is not letting go of the painful memories we have involving our moms, but instead letting go of the actual stories we have in our minds about what happened.
Most of us will swear that the memories we have are absolutely truth, however what we remember is only our point of view about a set of events. In other words, ten people could have observed an argument between you and your mom, and all ten people could have come up with different ideas about who was right or wrong. Understanding this allows us to begin to have more objectivity about the things we remember from our past, and gives us the latitude to expand upon our story and make room for alternate points of view and possibilities. This is the beginning point for the process of forgiveness.
When we talk about points of view we can recognize that the word points is plural. Inherent in this is the understanding that points of view are just that – points. There can never be one point that is absolute truth as there are always many points of views that are truth at any particular place and time. The key to being happy in life is to realize that just because we do not agree with a particular point of view it does not necessarily make it right or wrong.
Let’s take this piece of information and apply it to an actual life situation. Perhaps you remember your mother always yelling at you because you did not do as well as your sister in school, and as a result you’ve always felt resentful towards your mom and your sister. You might feel justified in your anger thinking things like: She should have known better than to make me feel so unworthy, It’s not healthy to make a child feel less-than, She always hated me and there was nothing I could do to please her, She always favored my sister over me, or even, I was doing the best I could – didn’t she know how stupid she was making me feel?
In this case was the mother wrong or right, and are the child’s commentaries justified? First of all, let’s agree that the mother did in fact yell at the child for not getting good grades, and for not doing as well in school as her sister. What we cannot agree upon is why the mother made these comments. In this case the mother may have been trying to inspire the child to do better by comparing her to her sister and creating competition. Another possibility is that the child was actually the favorite and the mother wanted her to do as well as her sister. Yet another option is that mom could have had difficulty in school, never graduated and was frightened that if her child did not do well she might end up dropping out like her. There are so many reasons and points of view that the mother might have held. But whatever the reason, it was about the mother’s own fears and had nothing to do with what was said to the child.
On the other hand, if the child in her unawareness and inexperience does not understand her mother’s point of view and fears, she could take her mother’s words very personally and be wounded by them as this woman was in our example. Forgiveness comes from seeing the truth – that we really do not know another person’s intention or point of view – we can only make assumptions about them. Of course we tend to make the most fear-based assumptions about a situation that we can – feeling that it is all about us. As children that is exactly what we do – make the assumption that we are unloved, unappreciated, and not worth our parents attention. Of course this is not truth because our parents did love us, it is just that they did not always show it in a “healthy” way.
Knowing this, perhaps you could take some time to carefully look at all the stories you have about your mom. See if there aren’t some alternate points of view about these events and if so let go of these old fear-based stories and replace them with the truth. You will find forgiveness waiting there for you.
You are welcome to reprint this article with the following information at the conclusion of the text:
Sheri Rosenthal DPM and Susyn Reeve M.Ed. are co-authors of WITH Forgiveness - Are You Ready? and co-creators of the WITH Forgiveness program at www.withforgivenessmovie.com. They both enjoy giving workshops, lectures and taking folks on spiritual journeys (you can see them at www.journeysofthespirit.com ), and being extremely happy! You can reach them at www.withforgiveness.com.
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