Last month our focus was on Mother’s Day and this month we celebrate Father’s Day. It is true that just like the relationships we have with our mothers, our fathers offer us a perfect mirror to explore our personal beliefs and programming that are sources of suffering and pain, as well as acknowledge the gifts we have received.
Our relationship with our fathers is the other primary relationship in our life in which we are constantly learning about love and authority. Whether our father was present or not, vocal or quiet, a dependable provider or lost in the throes of addiction, a strict disciplinarian or a big kid himself, his words and actions played a major role in how we view ourselves and our ability to experience love, compassion, peace and happiness.
As children we don’t understand that the words and actions of our dad are not an indictment of who we are. Our dad raises his voice about our behavior and we internalize that to mean that we’re not okay. Our parents separate and we’re convinced that it’s our fault that our father has left. When our dad fails to show up for our dance recital or ballgame because he’s unable to get time off from the job which puts a roof over our head, the applause of the audience and the way to go from the coach, do not heal the pain we feel from not seeing his face in the crowd. We take these actions personally and are convinced that in some way, we are not enough, because if we were our expectations of our dad would be met and things would be different.
Well in life, things are as they are and now that we are adults we can confront and upgrade our programming so that we can experience greater peace and happiness. If you find yourself repeatedly disappointed, angry or resentful toward your father it is just these feelings that offer you the opportunity to become aware of the beliefs that fuel your misery. So stop looking outside of yourself at what your dad did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say, and look within at your beliefs.
Let me share my story: My dad was a very quiet man. He went to work early in the morning and came home after my mother, sisters and I ate dinner. Once home he was most content reading the newspaper and watching sports on TV. He gave me money for my school bank account every week, and when I went shopping for new clothes with my Mom she always asked me to model them for him and his words were always the same, “Wear them in good health.” Even though we had special time alone on Sunday mornings when he took me to Central Park, after my weekly carousel ride with him was over we went our separate ways; he watched softball games and I found ways to amuse myself.
As you can see from this story there was no abuse, my father was actually there, but because we rarely spoke (I didn’t share my deepest inner feelings with him) I unconsciously decided, that my dad didn’t truly love me and that he in fact wanted a son. He had never actually said that he wished I were different, yet I interpreted his lack of words as an indictment against me.
I can remember sitting with him while he was watching sports trying so hard to think of questions to ask him that would lead to a prolonged conversation with me. He would actually become animated and share with me, but because I believed that I wasn’t enough for my dad, I found it hard to stay focused on what he was saying since I was to busy judging our relationship moment by moment.
Then one day all this changed. It was a sad day for my family, the day of my oldest sister’s funeral. I was 22 years old. I stood on one side of my Dad at the cemetery holding him up as soil was shoveled onto the coffin. We were all heartbroken and when we got back to the house my father took me aside, and we sat looking at one another and he said, “As long as I am here, if there is anything you ever need, all you have to do is ask.” In that moment I knew my Dad loved me. During the next three years of his life whenever I questioned my relationship with him, those words, spoken at a time when both of our hearts were broken and wide open, echoed through my being. My programming had been upgraded. He hadn’t changed, we still rarely spoke more than a few sentences at a time to one another, yet what I believed about myself in relationship to my father had transformed. It has now been 33 years since my Dad died and whenever I think of him I feel embraced by love.
Transformation can occur in a moment, the moment that we forgive and create a new point of view – the moment when you see your dad differently and your painful story of your past dissolves. I can assure you that as you explore your beliefs about you and your dad, you can free yourself from these stories, and open your heart to love, compassion and kindness toward the man who gave you life and who is giving you the opportunity to heal the places in your heart where love has been blocked.
Take a moment right now and make a list of what you appreciate about your Dad, and this Father’s Day take a risk and express your love and appreciation, with no strings attached. Love heals.
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Susyn Reeve M.Ed. and Sheri Rosenthal DPM are co-authors of WITH Forgiveness - Are You Ready? and co-creators of the WITH Forgiveness program at www.withforgivenessmovie.com. They both enjoy giving workshops, lectures and taking folks on spiritual journeys (you can see them at www.journeysofthespirit.com ), and being extremely happy! You can reach them at www.withforgiveness.com.
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